All sorts of growing up

December 14, 2008
Wow, it has been exactly one month since I blogged. I can not believe that I have been such a slacker about it, but honestly, I've just had a lot going on. My heart, my mind, my days...they're all busy, but in an effort to recenter I pulled two old journals down off the bookshelf tonight and decided to share some "poems" circa 1997. *smiles* I had forgotten how brooding I could be as well as how full of whimsy I was at times. Really, reading 16 and 17 year-old Karen got me thinking about the growing up that I'm still doing at 28.

Tomorrow marks the one week anniversary of finally getting my driver's license. I have to say, it's kinda nice being able to get myself places, but I still definitely like to be chauffered. While lots of people liked to taunt me about not driving, saying I needed to join the grown ups, it's not the actual license part that makes me feel like I did some growing; it's the deciding it's okay to not do everything perfectly and to let people see me make a mistake here and there. Todd Smith was a fairly patient teacher, and I am thankful it was him that I learned from. After 11 years, there is a best friend kinda comfort that you can't get with anyone else. We all know that I am a spoiled brat that can not stand to be anything but "right", and the boy was tolerant of my nonsense.

Anyway, tomorrow...it is also the day that I teach my very first yoga class. Obviously, I am an attention whore and like for people to take notice of me (positively, of course), but I am kind of nervous to be in front of people in that sort of venue. I'm told it's an audition, and to me auditions = a little scary (back to that only wanting to do things in front of people if success is guaranteed).

Not only do I love the practice of yoga, but instructing is another step in growing up for me. In general, I like where I am am but I need to put myself out there a bit more so that I can move on to bigger and better things. The fear of putting me out "there" isn't what kept me from finishing school though; however, I think it certainly certainly factors into what keeps me from going back. Things are both different and the same for me as they were 7 years ago when I stopped, and that is a falsely dichotomous life revelation that I just don't want to address.

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January 6, 2009

Goodness! It has been a while since I've written anything, but I heard a little cinematic dialogue that reminded me of something I was thinking when I left this one to nearly die on the drafting clipboard. I was watching a movie with my highly cherished nieces, and one of the main characters referenced something about how people were always talking about her artistic, musical potential as a child because they were impressed with her abilities at the time; however, when people talk about her present-day "potential" it seems lost because she is playing the same piece now as she was then.

I immediately empathized with the character. My writing seems dreadfully vapid now. My toes just barely test the waters of writing anymore, and I seem to have been reduced to a good copy editor (skills for which I don't technically get paid). I also see now that perhaps writing wasn't the path for me anyway.

I truly am smitten with the fitness world, and in particular, I am in love with the practice of yoga. That first class went well, and I am going back this weekend to teach again. Additionally, I was asked to take part in an extra-curricular program for 1st-5th graders this Spring in which they select after-school electives. Some of the little Girl Scouts I put in volunteer yoga time with asked for my class to be an option. I am honored and excited to share yoga with the little peeps.

These new ventures, along with both the acquisition of some amazing new friends as well as the remarkable endurance of existing friendships, are an invigorating start to 2009 that will hopefully bring me out of the darkness I fell into in 2008. I am eager to move forward, to forget about the things that I can not change, to dream of bigger, better things and to achieve them, to sincerely find and to know the joy that exists in me independent from all else.

So yeah..., just for fun here are a couple of high school Karen writings (both a bit o' the brooding and a bit o' that whimsy):

This is from the 1996 book:

Who will keep the human beat when we have all this money for bombs yet not enough to keep homeless off the street, while children live in boxes of their own discontent I want to be a cat, a dog, a mouse - then, maybe the world wouldn't be So insignificant.

This is from the 1997 book:

Staring at the back of a head my mind beings to draw a blank Turn the corner, and pass right by trudge on home and finally drawn to sleep So hard to resist the lure and bait of my dreams when lying on a pile of pillows beneath a weight of days that tend to drain Dream along the thoughts that rise while sleeping and fly perhaps for a time.

Sorry, this particular journal was almost completely lacking in the light and whimsical genre. Someday I might see what I can find in the garage. There is one that I wrote for our little "underground" newspaper that was all about growing up and would have been extremely a propos for this post, but alas I could not find it. Just be grateful you didn't get relationship-driven stuff from that time *rolls eyes*.

Upon, looking back at this one, I should have titled it "Dear Diary"...oh well.

I am wishing everyone the most beautiful day, night, week, month, year, etc.